So, Prashant is the new Indian Idol!!!

I am not surprised because i was least expecting this guy to win. No, i wasn't expecting Amit to win too. In fact i cared a damn for who won and who lost out of the two.

To me the Indian Idol 3 should have been chosen from one of the judges. I would not have been surprised to hear "The next Indian Idol is........ Javed Akhtar (or Anu Malik, or Alisa or Udit Narayan)".

Come on, wasn't the competition between the judges on who outsmarts the other on dishing out mindless praises. And putting up fake faces as if enjoying the performances like an orgasm?

Why do i still waste my time on watching television?

I got a sms few weeks back from her. On one Friday night at around 12.30 in the night. I was on my way back from some non-happening pub, was too exhausted after a long week and was awake way after my normal sleeping hours. (Between, i normally hit the bed by 10.30) but i still managed to give a reply, which i reread sometime later in the morning and cursed myself for writing something that stupid and senseless.

I was half expecting to get a reply when she messaged again on Saturday evening to which i replied and to which she replied and to which i replied again. In short, we exchanged few more messages on Saturday.

And while this episode continued, i wondered what i should make out of all this? The messages ended pretty much similarly like they started. Suddenly.

DS always says i am most confused guy he has met in life. He has known me too well in last few years and i may not trust his call on the markets but i do agree with him on this analysis. May be he should meet her too.

But all said and done, for the first time i am not confused about something. I clearly know that i need her in my life and also that i cant have her. Funny combination of things to be clear on at the same time.

Anyway.


P.S: Next post will have more meaningful content. Efforts shall be made towards the same.

There was a sense of ease while i used to write a journal. I did that few years back and still do it sometimes. There is something about writing a journal that will never be the same as writing here. Simply because those entries are not meant to be read by anyone. Anonymity helps to an extent, but still there are things i will write only in my journal. Things that are too sacred, if not too secret.

We don't chat anymore. Not after the day when i bared my heart and soul to her only to realize she wasn’t there where i was. But she signs-in everyday, which she never used to do before. And i find her presence comforting.

I click on gtalk every once in a while. Just to check if she is still around. And i feel all warm inside as i see her there.

I am a hopeless case i tell u.

There are few people in your life who matter to you the most for some reasons unknown. Few in your personal life and few in your professional life. It’s the latter i want to talk about.

Sometimes you put in your efforts, the best you can, to build something. And when it’s done you take pride and show it first to these people who matter to you the most. May be because the key source of your motivation was a back pat that you had imagined getting. But what if this person turns out to be a jerk and all he can come up with is "Good, Good... but remember next time you will have to put in real good efforts coz luck may not favor you" or something similar. Asshole.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does then i think you have a problem. I had read this somewhere before. I was impressed with the way this one line made me feel then. Kick-ass-&-to-hell-with-the-world carefree and invulnerable. But I never quite could put this thought in practice. That is up untill today. Now I have found a panacea to beat this could'nt-he-have-been-more-appreciative syndrome. I call it bastard--try-doing-what-i-have-done-and-you-shall-know-what-it-takes panacea.

So dude, Fuck off

_____

P.S: I need a new job people, spread the word. Coz with this attitude, I am getting sacked soon.

I was born an optimist...

So what? Nobody's born perfect

Coz we have only one life to live...

I am constantly telling myself that she won't even respond to my mail.

That's my way of dealing with such situations. I imagine the worst to happen and get comfortable with that thought. Its increases the joy when anything better happens and doesn’t hurt too much when things go wrong.

I wanted to tell the cafeteria girl (CG) how i felt about her. Only, i realized i have certain confessions overdue and pending for over 6 yrs before I do that. What i felt for CG was merely an infatuation. I wish her well for her life and her future. But if I am so convinced that I should confess at all, then I should confess to someone else for whom I feel an emotion much stronger. And that’s what I have done... by sending that mail.

I had never spoken those three words before. I have never felt so much at peace before.

Nahin milna to mat milo yaar, sidha bol do

Ok, she was with me in my undergrad college. And i had a huge crush on her then. We were in touch for quite sometime post our graduation and used to chat for hours together on msn. This was year 2001.

But then i got busy with my post grad course and she got busy with her job and we lost touch.

That’s what i tell myself. But the fact is... i was never sure if i deserved to be with her. And i knew for sure that i will fall for her real bad and not be able to come out of it. She was class apart and never could quite understand why she remained friends with me. Something that has to happen in the future, i thought, should happen right away. It will hurt lesser that way. And I, the master in the act of pretension, got suddenly busy with my studies and projects.

A year or two thereon, we did meet once or twice at friend’s parties, online couple of times, exchanged few messages, but nothing really happened.

I messaged her casual 'how hv u been?' few weeks back. What followed was string of messages and we decided to meet up. The day fixed was Saturday of the next week.

On Saturday, she rescheduled the meeting to a weekday in the next week. And then to the coming Sunday. Sunday it rained heavily so obviously we could not meet. So it had to be some other weekday in the coming week. And on this other day she remembered about our dinner meeting at 10 pm in the night.

And while all this happened, i wondered if she is the same girl i was once afraid i would fall for badly?

She got engaged this Saturday. No, not my girlfriend or someone i was seeing. Its the girl i used to see everyday in cafeteria. At breakfast time. Remember i had mentioned about her. Yay that girl. She was sweet. We used to exchange smiles each single day. Not Hi's, Hello's or Howudoing's, just smiles. Did that for one full year.

I was talking to a friend about how i felt after hearing about her engagement, she said i should have atleast let the girl know that i liked her. I wonder why i never did that. May be I was too afraid of losing what i had. The smiles. And I did not want to drive her away with my confessions.

What my friend said does makes sense though. At least that way i would have had one less regret to live with. Her rejection would have been any day better than this wretched loser like feeling i am getting right now.

But its easier to sound intelligent in retrospect. Like i do now. What stopped me from doing it then was the fear of being labeled an office Romeo who fell for an office colleague whose only fault was that she was courteous and smiled quite often.

And think of it. What would have she thought when a near stranger, to whom she just smiled everyday, suddenly one day stopped her and confessed his liking for her?

Idiots

First the conversations starts getting from vague to vaguer. Some dont realise it then.

Then the response to the messages start getting delayed. Some still dont get it.

Then the response to the messages dont come till its not reminded they owe a response. Now they do start sensing something is wrong.

And one fine morning when it happens, they still claim they did'nt see it coming

Idiots!!!

The worst thing about a break off is not the pain of parting away, but the memory of happy moments shared in the past.

Someone had once said that the fuction of our brain is to not help us remember what we should not forget. But to help us forget what we should not remember.

And i cannot agree more.

I want you to be happy. And in all sincerity i wish that may God give you all that your heart wants.

And I want you to want me.