Coz we have only one life to live...

I am constantly telling myself that she won't even respond to my mail.

That's my way of dealing with such situations. I imagine the worst to happen and get comfortable with that thought. Its increases the joy when anything better happens and doesn’t hurt too much when things go wrong.

I wanted to tell the cafeteria girl (CG) how i felt about her. Only, i realized i have certain confessions overdue and pending for over 6 yrs before I do that. What i felt for CG was merely an infatuation. I wish her well for her life and her future. But if I am so convinced that I should confess at all, then I should confess to someone else for whom I feel an emotion much stronger. And that’s what I have done... by sending that mail.

I had never spoken those three words before. I have never felt so much at peace before.

Nahin milna to mat milo yaar, sidha bol do

Ok, she was with me in my undergrad college. And i had a huge crush on her then. We were in touch for quite sometime post our graduation and used to chat for hours together on msn. This was year 2001.

But then i got busy with my post grad course and she got busy with her job and we lost touch.

That’s what i tell myself. But the fact is... i was never sure if i deserved to be with her. And i knew for sure that i will fall for her real bad and not be able to come out of it. She was class apart and never could quite understand why she remained friends with me. Something that has to happen in the future, i thought, should happen right away. It will hurt lesser that way. And I, the master in the act of pretension, got suddenly busy with my studies and projects.

A year or two thereon, we did meet once or twice at friend’s parties, online couple of times, exchanged few messages, but nothing really happened.

I messaged her casual 'how hv u been?' few weeks back. What followed was string of messages and we decided to meet up. The day fixed was Saturday of the next week.

On Saturday, she rescheduled the meeting to a weekday in the next week. And then to the coming Sunday. Sunday it rained heavily so obviously we could not meet. So it had to be some other weekday in the coming week. And on this other day she remembered about our dinner meeting at 10 pm in the night.

And while all this happened, i wondered if she is the same girl i was once afraid i would fall for badly?

She got engaged this Saturday. No, not my girlfriend or someone i was seeing. Its the girl i used to see everyday in cafeteria. At breakfast time. Remember i had mentioned about her. Yay that girl. She was sweet. We used to exchange smiles each single day. Not Hi's, Hello's or Howudoing's, just smiles. Did that for one full year.

I was talking to a friend about how i felt after hearing about her engagement, she said i should have atleast let the girl know that i liked her. I wonder why i never did that. May be I was too afraid of losing what i had. The smiles. And I did not want to drive her away with my confessions.

What my friend said does makes sense though. At least that way i would have had one less regret to live with. Her rejection would have been any day better than this wretched loser like feeling i am getting right now.

But its easier to sound intelligent in retrospect. Like i do now. What stopped me from doing it then was the fear of being labeled an office Romeo who fell for an office colleague whose only fault was that she was courteous and smiled quite often.

And think of it. What would have she thought when a near stranger, to whom she just smiled everyday, suddenly one day stopped her and confessed his liking for her?

Idiots

First the conversations starts getting from vague to vaguer. Some dont realise it then.

Then the response to the messages start getting delayed. Some still dont get it.

Then the response to the messages dont come till its not reminded they owe a response. Now they do start sensing something is wrong.

And one fine morning when it happens, they still claim they did'nt see it coming

Idiots!!!

The worst thing about a break off is not the pain of parting away, but the memory of happy moments shared in the past.

Someone had once said that the fuction of our brain is to not help us remember what we should not forget. But to help us forget what we should not remember.

And i cannot agree more.

I want you to be happy. And in all sincerity i wish that may God give you all that your heart wants.

And I want you to want me.

Decisions - II

For the most part of my growing age i was of the opinion that you don't make things happen. They just happen to you. And the reason they happen to you is because thats how its meant to be. We live a planned life. A life like some kind of a movie. Scripted, directed and even edited by one sitting up there on the director's seat.

Is that the reason why i used to listen to the ramdonlly played songs on my MP3 player? Because they get played without me selecting the sequence. And I admit i used to enjoy it much better that way.

I enjoy it better that way even now. Like I enjoy good things when they just happen to me without me having to make any decisions.

Going Anon

Not that many people i know know that i write this blog (and that’s apparent from the 'profile views' counter), but in order to write a bit more openly, i have decided to go Anon on this blog and write under my blog nick "Reticent".

The name "Reticent" should tell you that am not going to post very regularly. Not because i have too much of work or something that keeps me occupied for most of my day, but because i usually do not have too much to write about. That’s because I live a very simple, sober and unexciting life. (Is unexciting the right word or non-exciting?). I reach office everyday at 9.40, go for breakfast and reach at my desk at 10.00 am sharp. I can also write about what i have for my breakfast, but i am assuming i ll get a chance to write about it in my future entries. This and also why my breakfast time is the only exciting event in my day (and also my life).

No i am not a foodie. I dont like the breakfast time for the food they give us to eat in office. You gotta wait for my future entries to know about this little secret. And NOO, this is not some kind of a trick to get you to read this blog on a regular basis. I hate Ekta kapoor for tricking her audience that way and would never resort to such cruel means for making you read my blog. Because, given a choice i would not read it myself. And also. I m a complete believer of human rights and am against inhuman treatment of, umm, Humans!

Ok, back to the point. The name of the blog is now "Life Means". Just a word short of its earlier version. That means you will continue to see a lot of entries with words like life, meaning of life, purpose of life, life without meaning, life without purpose, emotions, feelings etc etc. I will try to keep the usage to a level as low as humanly (as i am entitled to some human rights too) possible. Please note that i have accepted to 'attempt a try' and have not promised anything (Not even 'promised a attempt' infact)

Enough for one post now. See ya soon.

Decisions

It always used to surprise me how my 'must have traits' list changed every time someone asked what kind of a life partner I want (well, Aish is officially now Abhishek's so I do need to look for someone else). And then one day suddenly it dawned to me that the problem is not with me but with the question itself.

How can I say for sure that I will be compatible with this kind of a person and not compatible with the other kind? (That being said I am sure I will be damn happy spending my life with Aish, but what effect does my wanting have on my chances of getting her is a pertinent question in itself). But keeping the question aside for a while, to ascertain with confidence that one can be happy with someone having so and so qualities and so and so nature is not merely difficult but next to impossible.

Not only that, the whole idea of defining 'must-have traits' is totally impractical. How many times in our lives we have made friends keeping certain parameters in mind? We have rarely I guess.

But as I say this and easily shift the complete blame of not being sure about what I want in life (and in my life-partner), I have come to realize this one thing. That throughout our life we analyze and counter analyze things. We try to conclude whether this thing will make us happy or that thing. And especially when you are an MBA your analysis becomes even more complex. Involving various useless tools and factors like cost-benefit analysis, dependency factor, risk analysis etc etc. which is nothing but bullshit ways of deferring the decisions that you do not want to take.

But life's all about making decisions. And we forget that this faculty of analysis is there for helping us in avoiding wrong decisions. Not for avoiding decisions altogether.

To my boss

Its surprising how fast things change around you. Till yesterday i had a boss. Suddenly today i hear that he is moving on.

Usually, bosses are the last people on this planet you generally get attached to and are the last people who are written about on blogs in good way. But the case here is different. My this boss was indeed a good human being. Bosses generally are'nt, trust me.

And here i am doing something that i have'nt ever done before, (for records, I have had 6 different bosses in my stint of 3 yrs in this company), I am dedicating a blog to my outgoing boss.

And i pray that everyone reading this entry gets a boss like mine. (And i pray too, that all the bosses get a subordinate like me)

Suspended!!

This feeling of "Suspension". The immersion of soul and each particle of the body dissolving to this feeling of weightlessness. The awareness of this moment, bearing no refernece to a past, promising nothing about a future. Just this moment, suspended, with no sense of time drifting by.

The tears, warm and delicate, waiting on the verge to purge the pain...waiting for the eyelids to blink, but the eyelids refusing to let the suffering ease. The tears will have to wait.

The sound of Music, with pain in each word that is sung, filing the air. The music and its lyrics melting slowly and filling the vacuum within.

The dreams, floating so close that the arms could grab them, if only the desire to grab was not lost …

A lump in the throat, having the sum total of emotions waiting to be expressed. An expression, not dependent on spoken words. Eyes have a language of its own, if only her eyes could look into these eyes.

Some people call this pain.. Its only that they dont know what is called living!!

Life's Purpose

“The purpose of our life is to move towards the universal complexity. The existence of life started as a simple microbe, a single cell. And since thereon we have been evolving into a set of complexities and will continue to do so, or rather, should continue to do so. That’s the single most significant pursuit of one’s life”

I am a big fan of Shantaram. Infact i am a big fan of any story and storyteller who can answer the eternal question of what is the purpose of life. However, I tend to disagree with the theory that the purpose of our life is to move towards the universal complexity, which few name “God”.

Moving towards complexity is a given phenomena for me. Adding complexity in my life comes naturally to me and I love everything that is complicated. and this applies to many around me. A moment's thought would be sufficient to realize the fact that we lived simpler lives in past than now. And believe me this unnecessary complications that we add in our lives is daunting and perplexing.

To me life's pursuit cannot be something who’s end result can be such harshness. Any pursuit is worthwhile only if its outcome is something desirable.

Life's purpose thus should be exactly opposite of this. Its should be to move towards simplicity rather.