Coz we have only one life to live...

I am constantly telling myself that she won't even respond to my mail.

That's my way of dealing with such situations. I imagine the worst to happen and get comfortable with that thought. Its increases the joy when anything better happens and doesn’t hurt too much when things go wrong.

I wanted to tell the cafeteria girl (CG) how i felt about her. Only, i realized i have certain confessions overdue and pending for over 6 yrs before I do that. What i felt for CG was merely an infatuation. I wish her well for her life and her future. But if I am so convinced that I should confess at all, then I should confess to someone else for whom I feel an emotion much stronger. And that’s what I have done... by sending that mail.

I had never spoken those three words before. I have never felt so much at peace before.

Nahin milna to mat milo yaar, sidha bol do

Ok, she was with me in my undergrad college. And i had a huge crush on her then. We were in touch for quite sometime post our graduation and used to chat for hours together on msn. This was year 2001.

But then i got busy with my post grad course and she got busy with her job and we lost touch.

That’s what i tell myself. But the fact is... i was never sure if i deserved to be with her. And i knew for sure that i will fall for her real bad and not be able to come out of it. She was class apart and never could quite understand why she remained friends with me. Something that has to happen in the future, i thought, should happen right away. It will hurt lesser that way. And I, the master in the act of pretension, got suddenly busy with my studies and projects.

A year or two thereon, we did meet once or twice at friend’s parties, online couple of times, exchanged few messages, but nothing really happened.

I messaged her casual 'how hv u been?' few weeks back. What followed was string of messages and we decided to meet up. The day fixed was Saturday of the next week.

On Saturday, she rescheduled the meeting to a weekday in the next week. And then to the coming Sunday. Sunday it rained heavily so obviously we could not meet. So it had to be some other weekday in the coming week. And on this other day she remembered about our dinner meeting at 10 pm in the night.

And while all this happened, i wondered if she is the same girl i was once afraid i would fall for badly?

She got engaged this Saturday. No, not my girlfriend or someone i was seeing. Its the girl i used to see everyday in cafeteria. At breakfast time. Remember i had mentioned about her. Yay that girl. She was sweet. We used to exchange smiles each single day. Not Hi's, Hello's or Howudoing's, just smiles. Did that for one full year.

I was talking to a friend about how i felt after hearing about her engagement, she said i should have atleast let the girl know that i liked her. I wonder why i never did that. May be I was too afraid of losing what i had. The smiles. And I did not want to drive her away with my confessions.

What my friend said does makes sense though. At least that way i would have had one less regret to live with. Her rejection would have been any day better than this wretched loser like feeling i am getting right now.

But its easier to sound intelligent in retrospect. Like i do now. What stopped me from doing it then was the fear of being labeled an office Romeo who fell for an office colleague whose only fault was that she was courteous and smiled quite often.

And think of it. What would have she thought when a near stranger, to whom she just smiled everyday, suddenly one day stopped her and confessed his liking for her?

Idiots

First the conversations starts getting from vague to vaguer. Some dont realise it then.

Then the response to the messages start getting delayed. Some still dont get it.

Then the response to the messages dont come till its not reminded they owe a response. Now they do start sensing something is wrong.

And one fine morning when it happens, they still claim they did'nt see it coming

Idiots!!!

The worst thing about a break off is not the pain of parting away, but the memory of happy moments shared in the past.

Someone had once said that the fuction of our brain is to not help us remember what we should not forget. But to help us forget what we should not remember.

And i cannot agree more.