Why is it so, that something which gives us the greatest joy, is also the one that has the power to make us the most miserable?

Why is it so, that something which has the power to give is the greatest pain, is also the one that we most passionately love?

"Nothing grieves more deeply or pathetically than one half of a great love that isn’t meant to be."


"Loves are like that. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and independence. After a while, you started throwing people out - your friends and everyone you used to know. And it's still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take down with it. That's why I'm sick of Love"


- Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

There cannot be a greater injustice done to a man than to have him made to believe, wrongly, that he has brains.

God. If u exist, I pray thee, please forgive my boss for the sins of his last birth. He is suffering everyday, due to an injustice done to him.

Help him reconcile to the reality that something had gone amiss inside his head while you were creating him. Please make him realise he is a born moron and a fool, which, if one sees is not at all his fault. Make him realise that he is suffering from a false perception of having a sane and an able mind. Please end his suffering God.

Please, please, please do this. And fast.

Me: We men have our egos. It does not allow us to accept our faults. We hate simple lives. We are all game for complexities. What fun is there in simplicity and in admitting our faults?

She: Shit, i hate these games men and women play with each other. But i play them too and i hate myself when i am doing it but that fucking ego screws me too. damn!!

Me: Yes, and we feel admitting our faults will make us less lovable, less respectable. After all, who wants to be in love with a person who has flaws. And that's where we use our egos, to protect ourselves from admitting our flaws. Because in reality, its just we who will start hating ourselves after we admit our flaws and mistakes.

She: Very very well put u can blog that.

Me: Talking to u is a self realisation process.

There are uncertainties and risks in everything that your heart truly desires. But some still choose to go ahead. And the difference between the people who are really happy and who are not is just this.

A bond of different sorts..

Not out need, nor triggred by attraction,
not based on love, nor fired by lust.
All it takes is brutal honesty,
and a little amount of trust.

Irony

BS does not know about SC.

SC knows the fact that i am meeting BS to decide on my marriage. She is mad on me coz i am delaying my meeting with BS.

GA sees the irony of the whole affair. She is the one I have told everything.

BS does not know about either SC or GA.

SC knows about BS but not about GA.

GA knows about both SC and BS. Few years back, she had never imagined she would have cared to know this much about me.

GA is someone with whom i have a heart-to-heart conversation. She is someone who would make a good life companion because of the understanding she shows.

Talk about Irony!!

(PS: BS, SC and GA are all female characters. Clarification was necessary because a tiny element of imagination would have just added to the irony of the whole situation)

If fate doesn't make you laugh, then you haven't got the joke.

We never had a future together. Fate had never imagined us to be together. But we met. And kept meeting. .

Now, I stand at a point where neither we can turn our backs to each other and walk away, pretending life never was what it was in last few days. Nor we can continue holding each other while gazing into each other's eyes for hours together, like we used to.

We had build a sand castle the other day on that lovely beach. Away from others, lost in each other, detached from the surrounding, we had built a dream. A dream, I knew, will be washed away one day, like our castle, by the crashing sea waves. But still, I chose to walk that way and built the dream, only for a moment's joy I derived while building something together.

I can say life is unfair. One never gets what one should get. But may be this was how it was meant to be.

Though only to part away, but atleast we met. Though only for a brief while, but we met.

The rest is fate!

So, Prashant is the new Indian Idol!!!

I am not surprised because i was least expecting this guy to win. No, i wasn't expecting Amit to win too. In fact i cared a damn for who won and who lost out of the two.

To me the Indian Idol 3 should have been chosen from one of the judges. I would not have been surprised to hear "The next Indian Idol is........ Javed Akhtar (or Anu Malik, or Alisa or Udit Narayan)".

Come on, wasn't the competition between the judges on who outsmarts the other on dishing out mindless praises. And putting up fake faces as if enjoying the performances like an orgasm?

Why do i still waste my time on watching television?

I got a sms few weeks back from her. On one Friday night at around 12.30 in the night. I was on my way back from some non-happening pub, was too exhausted after a long week and was awake way after my normal sleeping hours. (Between, i normally hit the bed by 10.30) but i still managed to give a reply, which i reread sometime later in the morning and cursed myself for writing something that stupid and senseless.

I was half expecting to get a reply when she messaged again on Saturday evening to which i replied and to which she replied and to which i replied again. In short, we exchanged few more messages on Saturday.

And while this episode continued, i wondered what i should make out of all this? The messages ended pretty much similarly like they started. Suddenly.

DS always says i am most confused guy he has met in life. He has known me too well in last few years and i may not trust his call on the markets but i do agree with him on this analysis. May be he should meet her too.

But all said and done, for the first time i am not confused about something. I clearly know that i need her in my life and also that i cant have her. Funny combination of things to be clear on at the same time.

Anyway.


P.S: Next post will have more meaningful content. Efforts shall be made towards the same.

There was a sense of ease while i used to write a journal. I did that few years back and still do it sometimes. There is something about writing a journal that will never be the same as writing here. Simply because those entries are not meant to be read by anyone. Anonymity helps to an extent, but still there are things i will write only in my journal. Things that are too sacred, if not too secret.

We don't chat anymore. Not after the day when i bared my heart and soul to her only to realize she wasn’t there where i was. But she signs-in everyday, which she never used to do before. And i find her presence comforting.

I click on gtalk every once in a while. Just to check if she is still around. And i feel all warm inside as i see her there.

I am a hopeless case i tell u.

There are few people in your life who matter to you the most for some reasons unknown. Few in your personal life and few in your professional life. It’s the latter i want to talk about.

Sometimes you put in your efforts, the best you can, to build something. And when it’s done you take pride and show it first to these people who matter to you the most. May be because the key source of your motivation was a back pat that you had imagined getting. But what if this person turns out to be a jerk and all he can come up with is "Good, Good... but remember next time you will have to put in real good efforts coz luck may not favor you" or something similar. Asshole.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does then i think you have a problem. I had read this somewhere before. I was impressed with the way this one line made me feel then. Kick-ass-&-to-hell-with-the-world carefree and invulnerable. But I never quite could put this thought in practice. That is up untill today. Now I have found a panacea to beat this could'nt-he-have-been-more-appreciative syndrome. I call it bastard--try-doing-what-i-have-done-and-you-shall-know-what-it-takes panacea.

So dude, Fuck off

_____

P.S: I need a new job people, spread the word. Coz with this attitude, I am getting sacked soon.

I was born an optimist...

So what? Nobody's born perfect

Coz we have only one life to live...

I am constantly telling myself that she won't even respond to my mail.

That's my way of dealing with such situations. I imagine the worst to happen and get comfortable with that thought. Its increases the joy when anything better happens and doesn’t hurt too much when things go wrong.

I wanted to tell the cafeteria girl (CG) how i felt about her. Only, i realized i have certain confessions overdue and pending for over 6 yrs before I do that. What i felt for CG was merely an infatuation. I wish her well for her life and her future. But if I am so convinced that I should confess at all, then I should confess to someone else for whom I feel an emotion much stronger. And that’s what I have done... by sending that mail.

I had never spoken those three words before. I have never felt so much at peace before.

Nahin milna to mat milo yaar, sidha bol do

Ok, she was with me in my undergrad college. And i had a huge crush on her then. We were in touch for quite sometime post our graduation and used to chat for hours together on msn. This was year 2001.

But then i got busy with my post grad course and she got busy with her job and we lost touch.

That’s what i tell myself. But the fact is... i was never sure if i deserved to be with her. And i knew for sure that i will fall for her real bad and not be able to come out of it. She was class apart and never could quite understand why she remained friends with me. Something that has to happen in the future, i thought, should happen right away. It will hurt lesser that way. And I, the master in the act of pretension, got suddenly busy with my studies and projects.

A year or two thereon, we did meet once or twice at friend’s parties, online couple of times, exchanged few messages, but nothing really happened.

I messaged her casual 'how hv u been?' few weeks back. What followed was string of messages and we decided to meet up. The day fixed was Saturday of the next week.

On Saturday, she rescheduled the meeting to a weekday in the next week. And then to the coming Sunday. Sunday it rained heavily so obviously we could not meet. So it had to be some other weekday in the coming week. And on this other day she remembered about our dinner meeting at 10 pm in the night.

And while all this happened, i wondered if she is the same girl i was once afraid i would fall for badly?

She got engaged this Saturday. No, not my girlfriend or someone i was seeing. Its the girl i used to see everyday in cafeteria. At breakfast time. Remember i had mentioned about her. Yay that girl. She was sweet. We used to exchange smiles each single day. Not Hi's, Hello's or Howudoing's, just smiles. Did that for one full year.

I was talking to a friend about how i felt after hearing about her engagement, she said i should have atleast let the girl know that i liked her. I wonder why i never did that. May be I was too afraid of losing what i had. The smiles. And I did not want to drive her away with my confessions.

What my friend said does makes sense though. At least that way i would have had one less regret to live with. Her rejection would have been any day better than this wretched loser like feeling i am getting right now.

But its easier to sound intelligent in retrospect. Like i do now. What stopped me from doing it then was the fear of being labeled an office Romeo who fell for an office colleague whose only fault was that she was courteous and smiled quite often.

And think of it. What would have she thought when a near stranger, to whom she just smiled everyday, suddenly one day stopped her and confessed his liking for her?

Idiots

First the conversations starts getting from vague to vaguer. Some dont realise it then.

Then the response to the messages start getting delayed. Some still dont get it.

Then the response to the messages dont come till its not reminded they owe a response. Now they do start sensing something is wrong.

And one fine morning when it happens, they still claim they did'nt see it coming

Idiots!!!

The worst thing about a break off is not the pain of parting away, but the memory of happy moments shared in the past.

Someone had once said that the fuction of our brain is to not help us remember what we should not forget. But to help us forget what we should not remember.

And i cannot agree more.

I want you to be happy. And in all sincerity i wish that may God give you all that your heart wants.

And I want you to want me.

Decisions - II

For the most part of my growing age i was of the opinion that you don't make things happen. They just happen to you. And the reason they happen to you is because thats how its meant to be. We live a planned life. A life like some kind of a movie. Scripted, directed and even edited by one sitting up there on the director's seat.

Is that the reason why i used to listen to the ramdonlly played songs on my MP3 player? Because they get played without me selecting the sequence. And I admit i used to enjoy it much better that way.

I enjoy it better that way even now. Like I enjoy good things when they just happen to me without me having to make any decisions.

Going Anon

Not that many people i know know that i write this blog (and that’s apparent from the 'profile views' counter), but in order to write a bit more openly, i have decided to go Anon on this blog and write under my blog nick "Reticent".

The name "Reticent" should tell you that am not going to post very regularly. Not because i have too much of work or something that keeps me occupied for most of my day, but because i usually do not have too much to write about. That’s because I live a very simple, sober and unexciting life. (Is unexciting the right word or non-exciting?). I reach office everyday at 9.40, go for breakfast and reach at my desk at 10.00 am sharp. I can also write about what i have for my breakfast, but i am assuming i ll get a chance to write about it in my future entries. This and also why my breakfast time is the only exciting event in my day (and also my life).

No i am not a foodie. I dont like the breakfast time for the food they give us to eat in office. You gotta wait for my future entries to know about this little secret. And NOO, this is not some kind of a trick to get you to read this blog on a regular basis. I hate Ekta kapoor for tricking her audience that way and would never resort to such cruel means for making you read my blog. Because, given a choice i would not read it myself. And also. I m a complete believer of human rights and am against inhuman treatment of, umm, Humans!

Ok, back to the point. The name of the blog is now "Life Means". Just a word short of its earlier version. That means you will continue to see a lot of entries with words like life, meaning of life, purpose of life, life without meaning, life without purpose, emotions, feelings etc etc. I will try to keep the usage to a level as low as humanly (as i am entitled to some human rights too) possible. Please note that i have accepted to 'attempt a try' and have not promised anything (Not even 'promised a attempt' infact)

Enough for one post now. See ya soon.

Decisions

It always used to surprise me how my 'must have traits' list changed every time someone asked what kind of a life partner I want (well, Aish is officially now Abhishek's so I do need to look for someone else). And then one day suddenly it dawned to me that the problem is not with me but with the question itself.

How can I say for sure that I will be compatible with this kind of a person and not compatible with the other kind? (That being said I am sure I will be damn happy spending my life with Aish, but what effect does my wanting have on my chances of getting her is a pertinent question in itself). But keeping the question aside for a while, to ascertain with confidence that one can be happy with someone having so and so qualities and so and so nature is not merely difficult but next to impossible.

Not only that, the whole idea of defining 'must-have traits' is totally impractical. How many times in our lives we have made friends keeping certain parameters in mind? We have rarely I guess.

But as I say this and easily shift the complete blame of not being sure about what I want in life (and in my life-partner), I have come to realize this one thing. That throughout our life we analyze and counter analyze things. We try to conclude whether this thing will make us happy or that thing. And especially when you are an MBA your analysis becomes even more complex. Involving various useless tools and factors like cost-benefit analysis, dependency factor, risk analysis etc etc. which is nothing but bullshit ways of deferring the decisions that you do not want to take.

But life's all about making decisions. And we forget that this faculty of analysis is there for helping us in avoiding wrong decisions. Not for avoiding decisions altogether.

To my boss

Its surprising how fast things change around you. Till yesterday i had a boss. Suddenly today i hear that he is moving on.

Usually, bosses are the last people on this planet you generally get attached to and are the last people who are written about on blogs in good way. But the case here is different. My this boss was indeed a good human being. Bosses generally are'nt, trust me.

And here i am doing something that i have'nt ever done before, (for records, I have had 6 different bosses in my stint of 3 yrs in this company), I am dedicating a blog to my outgoing boss.

And i pray that everyone reading this entry gets a boss like mine. (And i pray too, that all the bosses get a subordinate like me)

Suspended!!

This feeling of "Suspension". The immersion of soul and each particle of the body dissolving to this feeling of weightlessness. The awareness of this moment, bearing no refernece to a past, promising nothing about a future. Just this moment, suspended, with no sense of time drifting by.

The tears, warm and delicate, waiting on the verge to purge the pain...waiting for the eyelids to blink, but the eyelids refusing to let the suffering ease. The tears will have to wait.

The sound of Music, with pain in each word that is sung, filing the air. The music and its lyrics melting slowly and filling the vacuum within.

The dreams, floating so close that the arms could grab them, if only the desire to grab was not lost …

A lump in the throat, having the sum total of emotions waiting to be expressed. An expression, not dependent on spoken words. Eyes have a language of its own, if only her eyes could look into these eyes.

Some people call this pain.. Its only that they dont know what is called living!!

Life's Purpose

“The purpose of our life is to move towards the universal complexity. The existence of life started as a simple microbe, a single cell. And since thereon we have been evolving into a set of complexities and will continue to do so, or rather, should continue to do so. That’s the single most significant pursuit of one’s life”

I am a big fan of Shantaram. Infact i am a big fan of any story and storyteller who can answer the eternal question of what is the purpose of life. However, I tend to disagree with the theory that the purpose of our life is to move towards the universal complexity, which few name “God”.

Moving towards complexity is a given phenomena for me. Adding complexity in my life comes naturally to me and I love everything that is complicated. and this applies to many around me. A moment's thought would be sufficient to realize the fact that we lived simpler lives in past than now. And believe me this unnecessary complications that we add in our lives is daunting and perplexing.

To me life's pursuit cannot be something who’s end result can be such harshness. Any pursuit is worthwhile only if its outcome is something desirable.

Life's purpose thus should be exactly opposite of this. Its should be to move towards simplicity rather.

Sticky Past

Our present is a sum total of our pasts. This moment is a resultant of our many previous actions and decisions. All of them intervoven together to create this liked or disliked present moment.

I sometimes wonder what would have been our lives like had we had the power to change one single detail from our past. For one i know, it may result in me not being present here, typing what i am typing right now. One single decision changed from my past, would have landed me in a totally differnt geography right now (and obviously a differnt time zone), in a differnt state of mind and involved in differnt state of affairs. I would have had differnt set of people to assosiate with, a differnt set of people who i would have called friends and office colleagues (and a different boss, ofcouse!).

Past can never be changed ofcourse. The fact remains that we humans are powerless in that sense. But assuming, just for a moment, if we had the power to change one thing from our past, what would it be?

I sometimes wonder what makes us more miserable...
Not getting what we want in life
Or not wanting what we'hv already got.

Letting go

Sometimes we love with nothing but hope, sometimes we cry with everything but tears.

I sometimes wonder why we keep hoping for some miracles when common sense defies the very existence of what we expect to happen. Deep within us we know, that our hope is nothing more than a thin thread over which we have decided to hold our existence and that thread has to wear off soon.

We are afraid of facing reality. Reality is too hard, too mean. Though we can never run away from it, but its only human to defer the moment of truth as much as possible while hoping each moment, as we delay what is inevitable, that things will change for better.

Is it because its our very nature to not accept defeat so easily? or is it beacuse we are too bad at letting go? I guess the reason is latter. We are masters in the art of clingging.

Tighter we squeeze water, the lesser we have it with us. The more we try to grab on to something the more it slips away. Nature has its own ways. And its own rules.

May be its time that we learn to let go. Its hard and its too personal. Its like accepting the defeat and nobody likes to lose. But somethings are'nt just meant to be. And to let go is the only logical way to put an end to it.

Just 1 question

I wonder always, what makes two people decide to spend their lives together, forever. Is it mere attraction or desire for sense of security or need for companionship or something else?

I am not questioning the institution of marriage. The institution works, i know for sure, even though today's generation is more liberal in thoughts and enjoys much greater freedom then the previous generations did.

My question is more of an attempt to understand what makes a marriage work. The common place rational that many give fails to convince me. Real relationships cannot be based merely on basic human desires. As the fact is these desires are too sort-lived to base the decision for lifetime on it. The attraction fades out as quickly as it had built up and the desire of companionship whither away when you have had a load of it.

What then makes two people spend their lives together?

Journey called Life

Life’s greatest journeys are the one’s that bring us back home- to our roots, where we truly belong.

I came to this city 6 years back as an alien to this place and to its people. After all these years, when I am one of them, I feel like an alien to myself.

My travel has been such a long one that while looking back, I can’t see a thing that belonged to my past. The past now is just a faint memory. Though its a natural progression to evolve, grow and change, but I do feel the need to look back. Not in regret or remorse for having lost touch with my roots, but to find out who I actually am. To find out if my change has been for better or it can be for better now.

It’s a journey i wish to take within to reach home, well in time, before it’s too late....

Emotions

How difficult can it be to tell someone that they are loved, wanted and desired? That their presense in our life is all we want and mere imagination of their presence makes life worth living.

How difficult can it be to tell someone that their support was like a life-jacket saving us when we were half drowned in our problems? That even if we give our life in return we will not be able to repay this debt.

How difficult can it be to show genuine caring and respect? May not be difficut. But not quite simple either. Otherwise there cannot be a reason for not doing it often.

We humans have a knack of complicating things. And the knack is improving day by day. The simplicity of life that we had in good old days is lost. And lost with that is our sensitivity for pure simple human emotions. We have stopped feeling them and have lost our ability to express them.

We must be making a million today and may even earn a billion tomorrow. But what’s the whole point if we don’t feel the same sense of achievement we felt with our first pay-check in hand. We may be already a CEO, director, MD or the owner of a company. But what’s the whole point if we don't feel the same sense of triumph everyday that we felt when we signed our first deal. What’s the point if we are no longer capable of crying when hurt, or feel like jumping, dancing and making merry when ecstatic? We live for these simple emotions.

Life's all about these simple things, lets not complexities ruin it.